The Day the Comics Died

("American Pie" lyrics by Don McLean, changed slightly by me)

[Intro]
A long, long time ago
I can still remember how those funnies used to make me smile
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people laugh
And maybe they'd be happy for a while

But February made me shiver
With every paper I'd (not) deliver
Bad news on the TV station
I couldn't take one more cancellation

I can't remember if I cried
When I read there'd be no Far Side
But something touched me deep inside
The day the comics died

[Chorus]
So bye-bye, Beetle Bailey
Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry
And those news-readin' geezers were drinkin' whiskey and rye
Singin' "This'll be the day that I die
This'll be the day that I die"

[Verse 1]
Did you write the book of MAD
And do you have faith in Groth above
If The Comics Journal tells you so?
Now do you believe in zip-a-tone
Can comics save your mortal soul
And can you teach me how to draw real slow?

Well, I know that you're in love with Mary Worth
'Cause I saw you laughin' by the hearth
You both went off to Fiji
Man, I dig that Apartment 3-G

I was a lonely cartoonist filled with doubt
With a brand new pen and a newspaper route
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the comics died

[Chorus]
I started drawin' bye-bye, Wizard of Id
Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry
Them news-readin' geezers were drinkin' whiskey and rye
Singin' "This'll be the day that I die
This'll be the day that I die"

[Verse 2]
Now for one year we've been in a big mess
And moss grows fat on a 16" web press
But that's not how it used to be
When the jester drew for all us dolts
In a coat he borrowed from Charles Schultz
And a line that came from you and me

Oh, and while Kirby was looking down
The jester stole his thorny crown
The bullpen was adjourned
No artwork was returned

And while Spiegelman read a book on Guston
Old people watched television
And we doodled all alone
The day the comics died

[Chorus]
We were drawin' bye-bye, Blondie
Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry
Them good old geezers were watchin' CNN
Singin' "This'll be the day that I die
This'll be the day that I die"

[Verse 3]
Helter skelter in a summer swelter
The web surfed off with our couch-cushion shelter
Eight miles high and falling fast
It landed foul on the grass
The publishers tried 3 days a week
But the geezers said it was too damn bleak

Now the halftime air was sweet perfume
While the newsmen smelled the scent of doom
We all got up to laugh
Oh, but we'd made a gaffe

The players barely tried to take the field
The marching band was like "Sure we'll yield"
Do you recall what was revealed
The day the comics died?

[Chorus]
We started drawin' bye-bye, The Phantom
Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry
Them news readin' geezers were drinkin' whiskey and rye
And singin' "This'll be the day that I die
This'll be the day that I die"

[Verse 4]
Oh, and there we were all in one place
A generation lost in space
With no time left to start again
So come on, Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack Kirby said Stan was a prick
'Cause merch' is the devil's only friend

Oh, and as I watched him on the page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage
No angel born in Hell
Could break that Internet's satan spell

And as the flames climbed high into the night
To light the sacrificial rite
I saw Wertham laughing with delight
The day the comics died

He was drawin' bye-bye, Calvin & Hobbes
Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry
Them news readin' geezers were drinkin' whiskey and rye
And singin' "This'll be the day that I die
This'll be the day that I die"

[Outro]
I met a girl who drew autobio comics
And I asked her for some happy strips
But she just smiled and turned away
I went down to the sacred store
Where I'd bought the comics years before
But the man there said the comics wouldn't sell

And in the streets, the children screamed
The lovers cried and the poets dreamed
But not a word was spoken
The web-presses all were broken

And the three men I admire most
Krazy's Pop, Crumb and Chic Young's ghost
They caught the last train for the coast
The day the comics died

And they were drawin' bye-bye, LuAnn
Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry
And them news readin' geezers were drinkin' whiskey and rye
Singin' "This'll be the day that I die
This'll be the day that I die"

[Chorus]
They were drawin' bye-bye, Cathy
Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry
Them news-readin' geezers were drinkin' whiskey and rye
And singin' "This'll be the day that I die"