Oct 14, 2014

Trollfoon Central

"Send me your tired, your poor, your huddled Trollfoons yearning to breathe free..."

Morris Berman has a problem.

Berman, the author of numerous books, including most recently a trilogy about the decline of American culture, runs a self-proclaimedly obscure blog where he fields comments from fans of his work, as well as the random detritus of humanity floating around the Internet like big fat men in inner-tubes. These creatures, whom he calls "Trollfoons," occasionally crash up on the shores of his blog --- which is after all, again self-proclaimedly, "the most important blog in the universe."

These donut-devouring, sweat-stained individuals, who, when they leave their inner tubes, can probably be found rolling around barren strip-malls like over-sized donuts themselves, heads rammed firmly in their rears (a condition referred to by Berman as HRR), cannot help venting their repressed bitterness over their own empty, meaningless lives on his blog --- by projecting their anger outward at Berman (among whatever other targets happen to be handy no doubt) they side-step confronting the void at the heart of their own husk-like selves.

Some of the behavior trollfoons engage in, and I'm sure you'll recognize the type even if the terminology is new, would be: ad hominem attacks against Berman or other commenters; insisting on talking about topics Berman has banned (it is his blog after all); or arguing from a subjective, emotional position rather than addressing specific facts and reasoning in a cool, rational manner.

These are, truly, horrible people.


I am prepared to offer what may seem to some a foolhardy and doomed solution (or partial solution perhaps) to the problem. Specifically, I am offering up this blog post, right here, as a receptacle for Trollfoon spleen.

Yes, that's right. You read that correctly.

Dr Berman, I'm extending an open invitation:  any time you get grief from some Trollfoon out there, feel free to link to this post, where they are welcome to comment and be as ignorant and buffoonish as they like. Hopefully, we can contain all their venom and rage in this one central location, and free up your blog for more serious discussions (such as Kim's rump, Gucci destruction, and the tragic loss of Kantor's delicatessen on 5th Ave.)

Heck, there are Trollfoons everywhere. I might as well open up this post to blog-owners and moderators across the entire length and breadth of the Internet:  As the tag-line up top says, "Send me your tired, your poor, your huddled Trollfoons yearning to breathe free..."

Why? Well, I've got nothing to lose. My blog is even more obscure than Berman's. If nothing else, Trollfoons are a valuable target market, being as they are empty mindless ones seeking to fill the void at the heart of their dark lives with cheap junk and cheaper thrills. I'm sure advertisers will pay good money for such total chumps, especially if I can congregate them all in one place, rather than mixing them in with too many sensible souls that still retain a glimmer of their humanity.

Plus, I have noted this problem remarked on by the proprietors of other open forums I frequent. So I'm hopeful this could be a valuable service for websites everywhere, if they would but avail themselves of my generosity. (If this takes off, Google may have to dedicate a special bank of servers just to this one post, to handle all the traffic from the millions of Trollfoons out there! "Weee!" as Berman might say.)

Heck, sometimes I think I may even be branded a Trollfoon myself, in certain corners of the Internet. Thankfully I don't seem to have stepped on Dr Berman's toes in my many comments there, but elsewhere things have gotten more dicey at times...

A Slight Digression:  "I Was a NakedCapitalism.com Trollfoon!"

For example, I was trying fruitlessly for a few days, over at NakedCapitalism.com, to wage a little battle against all the Anthropogenic Global Warming propaganda out in the world. They have an intelligent, relatively savvy bunch of commenters, who nevertheless buy into AGW hook line and sinker, full-stop, 100%, no doubts whatsoever. So, I wanted to shake the place up a bit, confess my sins to the true believers you might say, and see if I could pick up one or two converts to my fiendish, earth-destroying belief system.

"Ehhh, no dizeeeee....." as David Letterman says.

Actually, I think maybe I was starting to have an effect, because I was being very level and cool-headed, not getting worked up by the ad hominems and vitriol directed my way. So, even though nobody chimed in saying I had opened their minds, probably they just didn't want to get attacked by the majority True Believer crowd at NC. But I bet there were a number of silent readers who had a sliver of doubt implanted by my comments. And the moderators probably saw it too, because first Yves baselessly accused me of being a potential troll (I was being more calm and reasoned than many of my fellow commenters, but they did not get chastised), and then a long comment I wrote "disappeared" into moderation, apparently axed by Yves' right-hand man, Lambert Strether.

My Generous Offer

So, on top of everything else, there's another reason to welcome Trollfoons to my blog:  I may actually be one myself! (At least in the eyes of some blog operators.)

"I feel your pain," little Trollfoons...

So, un-ram your head from your rump (or not, what am I saying... we welcome HRR deficiency here! No bias or discrimination towards the unfortunately HRRed from me!) and say whatever you like in comments on this post!

Forgive a Codicil to the Terms...

One caveat, though, Trollfoons:  Berman, as you probably know (being a Trollfoon), has an explicit policy of being sick of talking about either his blog or himself, about meta-blog talk that is. Now, call me a hypocrite if you will, but I just think maybe there is some wisdom to that policy... So, little Trollfoons, feel free to talk about anything under the sun:  Berman, Berman's blog, 9/11 conspiracy theories, conspiracy in general, your own personal mental health and issues with the world, whatever. Also, post multiple times per day if you like! Go on, live a little... It's okay, we don't frown on it here! (You represent valuable potential ad revenue, after all.)

Just. One. Thing. No talking about ME!!! Or MY BLOG!!!!

Okay, have at it...


  1. Maybe I can prime the pump here. The hit parade must take the first hit to register in googlonia.

  2. the notorious maileOctober 22, 2014 at 4:59 AM

    no, no, no, you are being entirely too sweetly reasonable to attract Trollfoons! First you must call entire populations stupid and degenerate, then you must wallow in negativity and trivial nastiness, and then you must set your commentators upon each other like so many rabid dogs. You have much to learn about the care and breeding of Trollfoons, dear one, at which your master MB, for all his protestations of hating the species, is very skilled. But it is a good effort and who knows, perhaps it will catch on! If pictures of cats speaking bad English can go viral, then anything is possible.
    Now, wait, did I break one of your precious house rules? I dearly hope so because anything less would be un-Trollfoonish!

  3. "..the care and breeding of Trollfoons," that's pretty good. So I take it you are not attending the Wafer Summit, maile?

    In truth I question some of MB's analysis myself, but to the extent that it seems deserved (Boobus Americanus is not pure as the wind-driven snow himself) and to be in good fun, I can enjoy it too. Anyway I find his consciousness trilogy among some of the more interesting books I've ever read, and the Dark Ages trilogy is at least superficially convincing and thought-provoking (IMO it leaves out some deeper issues that would probably be dismissed by MB as conspiracy theory.)

  4. Nice blog!