Art Store Coupon Escapades

There is a very Larry David-esque thing going on with my local art stores, and craft stores. It drives me nuts, but at the same time it's very amusing and I wish I could call up David and have him include it in a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode. Of course he probably doesn't visit art stores, but that aside. Maybe it could be a "comedy store," for purposes of his script..

Anyway, the thing:  For a long while, the big chain store Hobby Lobby has had these weekly 40% off coupons on their website. Well, art supplies can be damn expensive, so I would go to the trouble to print these things out. And to make it extra absurd, since I am blessedly free of Internet service, I have to go to a library to print them out. For 15 cents-- that's usually the going rate for a black & white print.

Okay, fine. Your wish, Hobby Lobby, is my command. Now on one occasion I can recall, I happened to blow through one of their fine outlets without remembering to print a coupon beforehand. So I got up to the register and asked the cashier if she could forgive my indiscretion, since I knew about the deal. You see my point? I'm not some hick who isn't even aware of the existence of the coupon. In theory, I  could have printed it out -- any bum can go to a library and print one out, after all.

Of course, cashiers are a merciless breed, and she pooh-poohed my request.

But what difference can it possibly make to you, or your employer, that I waste my time and money, and the world's ink and paper resources, jumping through this hoop? There's no value to you in the Coupon Production Process (CPP), in itself. No possible benefit to Hobby Lobby or its shareholders, in having legions of craft consumers bent sheepishly over their inkjet printers, cartridges whirring back and forth in dogged pursuit of less pricey pencils.

And it's all the same to you, whether I want to have a smartphone or not -- apparently one of their many fine benefits is that they establish beyond a reasonable doubt our mutual awareness that your website contains coupons.

And so it came to pass that I was once again clawing around in my pockets for nickels and dimes, hunched over the inkjet printer, listening to its sing-song whirring back and forth, back and forth, as it laid down the jagged lines that were my Golden Ticket to reduced-price Bristol board.

You can imagine my surprise then, when I told the art store cashier, "Oh, I've got one of those coupons.." as I reached into my pocket, and heard him say: "Don't worry about it, I don't need to see it."

Why, what a CHUMP that makes me! You see, I engaged in a protracted CPP to obtain this precious facsimile. But alright, now I know-- in future, I will merely call to your mind the Platonic ideal of the coupon, and leave the fussy CPP to less enlightened sorts.

You would think. But come today, and my request for the Discount is met with, "Oh, you have to have the coupon."

"But... I've been here in the past, and.."

Here's the thing-- the owner guy was standing there. Him plus the cashier. So I think the cashier was constrained from his usual casual ways. The owner says, "We can do 30%. That's the best we can do."

What???

So I started thinking aloud, sort of figuring out the logic of it, "So if I went and printed out a coupon.. then I could get 40% off... I mean I guess I can do this another time..."

I actually didn't mean to take it nuclear like that. Threaten to not buy the stuff at all. But that got them moving, and the cashier tactfully said, "Oh, somebody forgot to give you one of these," and found a coupon somewhere behind the counter. So that got things squared away on protocol I guess. The owner was fine with it, but at the same time very intense about the whole process. I just wish it could have been Larry David in my place, and that I could've watched him make some big speech about it all, and then play that great scene transition music before we see him talking about it with Sherry or his agent pal. That's what I need in the way of coupons, would be Larry David Request Coupons.

I'll even shell out 15 cents at the library if he insists.