"Why,
uh, no, in fact," said Bernhard, sweating nervously.
"Oh,
don't ye worry now---I helped plenty o' them dino fakers over the years...
Lemme see now... I've some claws and 'orns might be good... An' ye're gonna be
wantin' a skull, o' course... Old fish skulls kin be good, jes be sure ye mix
'em up nice..."
"But
I tell you," said Bernhard, "we're not.. er.."
"Sure...
sure... Ye can trust old Cap'n J. Bob Barnacle ye know... Yer secret's safe w'
the cap'n... I'll go down to me watery grave widout whisperin' a word."
"Sure...
sure..." said Bernhard. "The bones, please."
"Aye...
Now ye're not like them college boys, any fool kin see that... But the Cap'n,
'e don' discriminate. A dino faker's a dino faker in 'is log book!"
"Wonderful,"
said Bernhard, as a glass snake eye rolled across the wooden floor.
"I
can't imagine how we fit all those bones in that little car," said
Bernhard when they got back to the motel. They were sitting out by the empty
pool, in a stingy patch of shade from some pool furniture. Bones were spread
out everywhere, waiting to be formed into some ancient chimera.
"Well,
the Cap'n has a way with knots," said Lena. "He would be handy to
have when packing for long car trips."
"Or
other occasions where tie-downs are required," said Bernhard, with a thin,
lizard-like grin. They both chuckled nastily and puffed their cigarettes.
"Well,"
said Bernhard, who was briefly plunged into shadow by a passing cloud,
"shall it be a theropod or a sauropod? I don't know that we ought to stray
too far from what the 'big boys' do..."
"Thera-whozit?"
said Lena. "Let's just fuck with them on numerology and stuff."
"Oh
god, they're so big on the numerology," said Bernhard. "I'm with you
on that."
Eventually,
inspiration struck. They went through much wire, and many tubes of Killian's
Super Bond-O extra strength super glue. When they were done, Bernhard used the
front desk phone to call the nearest gazette.
"Hello,
Badlands Gazette," said the voice on the phone. "Who is speaking,
please?"
"This
is Bernhard," said Bernhard. "I want to report a new species of
dinosauria... That's right, me and the missus have just come across an old
fossil... And I don't mean me! Ha-ha..."
"Now
listen here, Mister," Bernhard continued, "This is the biggest scoop
you've had all year... Maybe all decade... I'd send your top man out right
away, see?"
Bernhard
hung up the phone. He and Lena looked at the clerk.
"Are
you finding everything to be satisfactory?" said the clerk.
Bernhard
and Lena were sitting outside by the empty pool when a lady reporter arrived by
bicycle.
"It's
about time," said Bernhard. "What took you so long?"
"Yeah,"
said Lena, exhaling a cloud of smoke at the lady reporter.
"I
have another job," said the lady reporter. "I can only do this
part-time."
"Sounds
like a real dinky operation," said Bernhard.
"Strictly
two-bit I'd say," said Lena.
"Is
this the fossil?" said the lady reporter, gesturing with her pen at the
giant bone conglomeration.
"No,"
said Bernhard, "I'm the fossil; that's our dog, Fido."
The
lady reporter opened her notepad and asked them to describe the find.
"It
was nothing, really," said Bernhard. "Any boob would've recognized
the 5th meta-tarsal protruding from the cliff-face like that."
"Yes,"
Lena agreed. "It was so obvious. Even a louse-ridden child would've done
the same."
"It
does take skill," added Bernhard, "to release the fossil from its
matrix. But nothing your average nincompoop can't do with a little
practice."
"Thank
you," said the lady reporter after a few more questions. She put away her
notebook and retrieved a large-format Hasselbad from her bike basket. Bernhard
and Lena puffed their cigarettes and stood by as she struggled with the
sensitive equipment.
A loud
pop accompanied the flashbulb, and that was that: the story was immediately picked up by the
wire service and went nationwide. It was on the front page of every newspaper
the following morning. The desk clerk had to keep buzzing them to take calls
from reporters, curiosity-seekers, and even the governor of Utah (he wanted
them to come find a fossil in his
state.)
This looks really cool. Edward Gorey-like.
ReplyDeleteThis looks really cool. Edward Gorey-like.
ReplyDelete